Irrefutable Connection Ch.1

Reflection

The alternate lines; they ran underneath, completely parallel to the external actions and verbal exchanges. They were the ghosts of things that might have been, those strangled chances, those aborted possibilities. They hung heavy between them, pale and shivering beneath their past and rising and falling, with small sighs, in the present. It was there for both of them, intermingled with the substance of their connection. Connection was the only word that L would have been able to place to it, at this time, it both adequately described the coldness that presided, the distance, but also indicated the potential, the deep, deep potential.

'Relationship,' although the standard, non-specific term unfortunately also held connotations of a romantic or at least of an affectionate nature in modern society. It was entirely inappropriate; neither he or Light Yagami would have ever referred to their association with each other as a relationship of any kind. The only circumstance in which that term might be applied would be in the terminology of a legal nature. For example in an interrogation or police report the standardized language would be applied in the question; 'what is your relationship to Light Yagami?' To which L imagined he would of course reply with the plain, factual truths that would cling to official documentation most appropriately; co-worker, associate, acquaintance, previous-suspect, for indeed officially he had been forced to dismiss all authority over Light and all official investigative attention.

Here L paused to critique his own train of thought, it was unusual he was sure for someone to analyse themselves, most definitely to the degree which he did but it only spoke of the thorough complexity of his own mind. He ran through everything like a computer, and he examined his own processes for any sign of error. He considered it strange that when exploring standard terminology he had chosen to picture himself as the one being questioned when Light was the one that was, and always had been, the prime suspect in this investigation. But then it wasn't surprising that he was approaching things from a different angle given the recent change that had occurred in the direction of his thoughts.

L liked to analyse things methodically and precisely in his mind, he liked to explore the facts and extend things logically. He never recorded these calculations and projections for it would have hindered his thought process to attempt to take them down as he progressed. Furthermore it would have been even more time-consuming and ineffective to attempt to keep some written record afterwards as his thoughts were constantly progressing and the previous calculations were too great and precise in any case to ever transfer to paper adequately. However L liked to run through his thoughts carefully and comprehensibly as if they were a precise written log. It was one of the reasons that he could give such clear and precise explanations and deductions verbally as they were but the condensed conclusions and summaries of this careful way of thinking. Of course no one saw the great bulk of his calculations, no one saw his workings, no one saw the entirety of his investigation, no one saw his footnotes and elaborations. No one ever saw his complimentary information, the ideas and realisations that run as an undercurrent, important, true and very real and present but inconsequential to official evidence.

The alternate lines were part of these footnotes to his thought, they were tangents that his mind explored, they were the undercurrent to his thoughts on Light. He was aware of them, as he was sure that Light must also, in some points of his mind, that beautiful and staggering intelligence that was so like L's own, be aware of them. However he was sure that Light did not feel the need to examine them as L had slowly but surely been drawn into doing, he was completely fixated upon his goal. However he was sure that if the goal was removed then he would only be left with the alternative lines. He would have only the possibilities, the things that could have been, the potential sucked into the abyss of the past, closed off now by definitive actions.

That logical projection was not drawn from the alternative lines truly, but from the main stream of facts and evidence, he could very well predict the future, the cold ultimate conclusion that the two men were drawing closer towards. That conclusion that would once and for all cut off the lines; it would turn the possibilities, the potential forever cold. It drew it all to a dead end. In particular in regards to the more reflective of the pair.

It was not a pleasant thought that Light was going to murder him, it was a cold one, a quiet one that lay over him like a suffocating force, weighing him down and making him ache. No words could describe how cold and dark a thought it was, one that whispered itself so strongly in his mind when he caught Light's eyes, those determined staring eyes. It drew L close to the deepest sadness and despair he had ever known, and it was not due to the thought of his own death, his own mortality, although as all men he had the usual repulsion and fear towards the concept, but to the actually instrument and cause of his death. It was the fact that it was Light Yagami who was going to take his life. If any one was going to do it of course it would have to be Light, no one else matched him so well, no one else had the ability and the scope, but this reasoning came from the same truth that made him so desolate at the conclusion.

It was not really a new concept, that Light would attempt to kill him, he had always theorised that Light was Kira and of course it logically followed that Kira would attempt to take his life. He had not done all the things that he had done in the process of this investigation for nothing; he had always been working on this assumption. It was different now though because although he had always suspected that Light was a threat to him now he knew that Light was going to kill him. He knew it when he looked at him, when he saw that look in his eyes, not loathing, not vicious or threatening, only anticipating, victorious. He watched L with satisfaction and that black hunger, the hunger for his death, the look of hunger that was very different from that of simple wanting; it was the longing that came only when the goal was in view. He had no doubts at all that Light would kill him. He had no physical evidence, he had, of course, nothing credible that he would present in a report, no hard facts but L did not work on physical evidence alone. He was very careful and accurate when he related his thoughts, he presented 'theories' and 'assumptions' and admitted that in the world he worked that this was all merely 'speculation.' He however knew that it was not precisely that, not in any way, it was merely built on a different type of evidence and in the course of time he would find the physical evidence to substantiate the facts in the eyes of the law.

He had no physical evidence, but he did not need it to know that it was true, it sung out inside him whenever he looked into Lights eyes, met his gaze. He knew Light was going to kill him, but he had no physical evidence to prove this and no way of knowing how he was planning to do it. Without this he had no chance of preventing it and therefore he logically concluded that Light would succeed. He would die. There was no other conclusion to be drawn.

Knowing this had caused L to become less concerned with his own current objectives, it seamed that any goals he had in the investigation were now fairly irrelevant. He knew he was not going to be able to defeat Kira. His thoughts turned only inwards upon the current circumstances. He found himself exploring those avenues that he had hitherto been less concerned with. He considered those alternative lines and those deep truths at his core that made this current situation so painful. He had always been more aware of it than Light, because although they were so similar in their minds he was in some ways different, he saw more depth, was in-touch with the thinner, deeper layers, while Light was more fixed, more calculating, and more driven.

It came down to this one aching truth; he and Light had a bond. They were kindred; they were completely and utterly alike. L had never expected he would ever find anyone whom matched him so entirely. He had known it even before he had been able to put a real name and face to the being that was Light Yagami because he had known it through the façade of Kira. He had felt it when they had connected, across miles of distance, across all physical boundaries, when they had found themselves in a game with each other. A game which thrilled each of them as they found each move so perfectly countered and revelled in the challenge, for the first time in both their lives, a true challenge. It wasn't just a game either, such an assessment was trivial, it was like communication, but the most sublime and true communication that L had ever known. It was carried across between them, one's thoughts, ideas, beliefs communicated to the other. It was the closest thing to telepathy that there could be. When he reflected on the matter L felt his heart stir, at the time they had been more focused, although he was sure that both of them would have acknowledged the enjoyment of it, the thrill, even when it was more deeply confounded with the emotions of the time. L had begun to profile the mass murder and the personality of his faceless opponent was so strong and recognisable that he couldn't help but marvel at it, at acknowledge it explicitly, to his investigation team even.

When he reflected upon it now, on all his time with Light which had only served to further make clear the bond, the similarity between them, he felt it so deeply, so much more acutely than he had ever imagined he would. He realised now, at this point where all those conflicting thoughts and objectives were washed away, things that overcame him in terms of emotion, revelations and truths that were so hot and real that he could hardly bear them.

His sadness over his approaching murder was not even caused by feelings of betrayal, indeed L could not feel betrayed when there were no promises broken, when this outcome was the one he had always expected. His terrible aching sadness and despair came with the knowledge that he was going to be separated from the only person he had ever truly connected with and that their bond was going to be severed forever. He realised now how much that bond held him. He realised for the first time that he never wanted to be separated from Light, that he had drawn him close through the investigation but that the proximity he had enforced, even to the point of chains, was one that he wanted to maintain. The concept of any kind of swift clean cut in which Light was gone forever terrified him, it actually physically hurt him. This shocked him a great deal, but it was now that he realised that he had never foreseen an outcome which saw the case draw to a close with them parting ways. He hadn't even dwelt on the ultimate conclusion that he had been working towards; the one that resulted in Kira's apprehension, he had been fixated upon his goal; he hadn't considered the personal consequences.

This was how Light was thinking now; he was sure, while it had all changed for L. Now he had looked inside himself, now that he had been consumed by the sadness and despair. He had told Light that he considered him his first friend, the first true friend he had ever known, and he had meant it with every fibre of his being, with every crying part of his soul. His whole being fell to that truth, that overriding emotion. It was something he would never be able to dismiss or put aside. It was something that consumed him. He had completely acknowledged it in all its agonising entirety.